Making Love to the Camera
by distraught.hallelujah
Summary: Yumichika Ayasegawa of Squad 11 is lonely at night when he finds the one object he considers to be nearly as beautiful as he – a camera, placed in his room for the Shinigami Women's Association's own devilish reasons. Yumichika could give you all a lesson on how to make love to a camera.


Yachiru clapped her hands together with impish glee gleaming in her little eyes. Simultaneously, all members of the Shinigami Women's Association looked up. Yachiru made her way very slowly to the front of the room, a large video camera held eagerly and somewhat triumphantly in her hands.

"I have an extra-special super deluxe treat for you today," she said excitedly. "This extremely exclusive footage was taken late last night when Squad 11 member Yumichika Ayasegawa was heading to bed."

Nemu Kurotsuchi frowned. "You don't mean to say—"

"Of course not," Nanao Ise snapped, bringing her fist down on Nemu's head. Her own cheeks were bright pink. "Yachiru-chan wouldn't dare try to feed us anything like that. She's just a little child, after all…"

"He found the camera," Yachiru announced. The women all looked up once more. "And he enjoyed his face time," she finished. She pressed a button and some sort of projection screen popped up on the opposite wall. Necks craned.

"Ta-da," Yachiru announced as the picture appeared. "Enjoy the production!"

There was a moment of silence as the picture picked up. An immaculately clean apartment with a dressing robe neatly folded at the foot of the bed and mirrors carefully positioned all around the room. Yachiru pressed a button and the video fast-forwarded. Someone entered the room.

Yumichika Ayasegawa yawned, closing the door behind him. He turned sideways to see the mirror on the table next to the door.

"Another day spent looking beautiful," he said with a grateful sigh. He headed to his bed and sat on the side, turning his face to see the bedside mirror. He turned this way and that, and then curled a strand of his dark hair around a finger. He turned towards the camera and headed forward.

"The camera is located over his wardrobe," Yachiru whispered. Multiple people shushed her. Yumichika stopped, looking up at the camera. He grinned crookedly.

"Why, hello there," he said seductively, leaning forward towards the camera. "I didn't see you there, baby. You free tonight? Maybe you and I could head over to the club… drink all of our troubles away…"

There were some scattered chuckles.

The camera rattled as Yumichika reached up to take it down. He sighed, peering into the lens. "That's a good shot," he said. "Make sure you get my good side. Oh, yes; you were right to come to me. You have a beautiful gloss… your lens is so delightfully new-looking. Your strap… oh, your strap! I could sing your praises eternally, if I could sing beautifully! And I can, too, listen to this."

Yumichika cleared his throat. Nanao put her head in her hands.

"I can't watch this," she muttered. Rangiku Matsumoto shushed her, her eyes intently fixed on the screen as Yumichika began singing. He was right the first time – he could not sing. The women's hands were over their ears in moments so that they wouldn't have to hear the second verse of 'You Shook Me All Night Long.'

Finally, Yumichika stopped. He glanced back at the camera.

"You know, I hadn't noticed before," he began, sidling up to it. "You have a lovely viewfinder. May I take a look? Don't mind if I do…"

He lifted the camera and the view turned to face away from him, as luck would have it a mirror, and he proceeded to smile and begin the pageant wave, filming his reflection. "Oh, I even look good like that!" he said, laughing giddily. "But of course, what did I expect? I always look good."

Yumichika put the camera down again and purred.

"You must be new, because I haven't seen you around here before," he said.

Captain Retsu Unohana frowned slightly.

"He _is_ lonely and desperate," she said, sounding surprised.

"Very," agreed Momo Hinamori in a small voice. They were both violently silenced.

"Oh, have you seen my hairbrush?" Yumichika asked, turning to face the camera once more. He had turned away to search in a drawer. "My good one – not the old one. The one I got for my birthday last year. Ikkaku is so thoughtful, is he not? It's too bad he's so unbeautiful; otherwise he could have screaming fan girls like me. I am the luckiest person in the world! Oh, right… my hairbrush?"

Yumichika rummaged around in the drawer some more. He came up with something in his hands and tucked it into his pocket, turning to the camera.

"A little concealer," he said, winking. "It'll be our little secret, okay? Just between you and me, you are quite a piece of eye candy. Nearly as beautiful as I am! Your gorgeous curves, the shining color of your eye, the way your strap falls upon the table, as though you were me in another way! Aren't I simply delectable?"

Yumichika sighed, throwing himself across the bed. The camera was disrupted and the view shot to the ceiling.

"You know, he is pretty cute," Soi Fon murmured. There were some small agreements before the camera was tilted back upwards.

"Tell me," Yumichika exclaimed dramatically. "I can take it! What do you think of me now, now that I am stripped of all material possessions?"

Multiple women ducked their heads to hide behind someone else before they realized that all he was talking about were the ridiculous feathers on his face. There were some sheepish giggles as Yumichika stared desperately into the camera. His face suddenly broke out in a smile.

"You're still filming," he said, relieved. "I was so afraid that… that you wouldn't be able to love me for who I—"

The screen suddenly switched to black with a beeping red message – "New Battery." There was a wail of horror before sound joined video in the black abyss of nothingness, and the lights were switched back on. A few women wondered when they had been turned off as Yachiru proudly retrieved her camera.

"As you can see," she said, giggling, "I'm a good spy."

Matsumoto nodded with a sigh.

"Now I feel sorry to not liking him," she sobbed. "He… he just wants to be loved!"

"He is very handsome," Captain Unohana muttered from her spot in the far corner of the room, bound in thick layers of rope back-to-back with Hinamori.

"And," Yachiru announced, a pudgy finger sticking proudly into the air. "It was all Ken-chan's idea! Ken-chan filmed it all by himself, without any help from anybody!"

Silence followed.

I am very glad to say that this is the end. I, for one, really do not know what happened next, neither to Yumichika nor to the Shinigami Women's Association, who, I feel the need to mention, kept the video mostly to themselves. Any hushed sniggering done by random squad members of random squads whenever Yumichika passed by the following day was entirely coincidental. Really. I swear.

* * *

The End


End file.
